Lazy, confused or maladjusted…. just not depressed.

A dark cloud hanging over me.

A heavy cloak sloping the angles of my shoulder.

A weight I can’t lift regardless of my hours in the mental gym.

That’s how depression feels to me and it’s a dark a place to be in. I think everyone suffers from a bout of depression at some point in life. How long and intense the bout  is will differ for each person. I think my first memory of something akin to depression was at the monthly visit from nasty Aunty Flo and her mumbling child cousin red. I never had  any major physical pain at that time of the month, but I experienced huge emotional upsets. One minute I was happy, the next I was quite irritable and very sensitive to tactile sensation.

I craved my own personal space. I became a lot more solemn and for a young person who was already drawn into herself that was not a good place to be. It made me uncomfortable to be around and left me feeling guilt over how I snapped at people during those times. At first  the guilt made me apologetic to the point of self-depreciation but with time it emboldened me to shut people out of my life who couldn’t be patient or demanded too much to be around. I guess because I didn’t have any physical pain it took me a while to come to terms with these monthly mood swings who’s side effects lingered almost to the start of another cycle.

Regardless of my several short-term encounters with mood swings and depression nothing prepared me for the descent into the black hole when I moved to the UK. I have always thought of myself as an adventurous person; a -jump-into the pond head first kind of girl. I guess in the past it had always paid off such that I never really sat back to think of the ways I could have done better or eliminated more risk and stress factors. And it was such reassurance that emboldened and perhaps exaggerated my expectations beyond realistic limits.

Please watch the video.

First there was the drastic change in weather, I felt like someone had moved the walls of the sauna and fitted a freezer in without telling me.  So there’s me sitting all comfy and relaxed in my towel, but when I try to move I find my butt frozen stiff on the chair. For some people the weather change was a welcome reprieve but for a girl who rarely, if ever had the air-condition on a hot sunny day in Nigeria it was hell literally. I know right why bother moving, didn’t I know about the weather? Well yes I did, but that’s were my unrealistic expectation streaks start to show in my perfect armour of confidence.

The situation only got worse with the increasing expectations of marriage, motherhood, an unclear career path and a poor support system. I couldn’t think straight or clearly. I just wanted ‘to be’, a state of existence that allows you hold your breath until the storm ebbs. Life however rarely gives you the space to just ‘be’, it goes on. Through all this I have learnt certain things:

  • Depression isn’t anyone’s identity; how it makes you feel or act isn’t you. In the same way you aren’t the flu, you are not depression.
  • Acknowledging that you’re depressed won’t make you less black, less stronger than your ancestors who got traded as slaves or more selfish than your neighbour who lays her life down daily for everyone.
  • Battling daily or occasionally with depression doesn’t disappoint God, just as praying and working everyday for a better future doesn’t make Him think of us as ingrates.
  • Depression puts a sad twist to normal life occurrences, it blows normal conflicts and everyday mishaps out of proportion. Making us run away from dealing with them, procrastinating and hoping it goes away.
  • It drains us of physical and mental energy. You literally feel drab. Feeling tired and stressed are open pathways for depression. Rest when you need it.

Certain things helped me through those days, I went back to the things I simply loved doing and things that brought me comfort. I needed to grow my confidence, to find my inner strength and trust there was a future out there for me. One were I could trust my judgement again and my inner voice. It’s a daily task to keep the black dog away, but slowly I know it can be done. Never be afraid of criticism or negative words, will they hurt? Most definitely, but make sure you have a support network that helps you sieve through things objectively. Ask questions and be willing to move ahead. More than anything else stay true to your inner self and never wish anyone ill as it only spirals inwards eventually.

Please watch the video.

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Easter’s hope

20160927_190919On a night like this,

beneath clouds of white concrete

a cradle of motionless stars;

I sit and ponder,

the mystery of a king

trading his life for a starry eyed wonderer.

What would he have said

of this wooden jungle grounded in concrete,

mini-cages holding lives

he wills the gift of freedom,

healing rooms that cure the coffin

but not the bone.

Aye! I ask myself,

what would he have thought,

of boxes that look within but see not the person,

of mirrors that speak the truth

in syllabus that only the deaf comprehend.

Of little value is the spring dew

to the flesh of a spirit languishing from thirst.

On a night as such,

beneath white concrete clouds

I ask myself

of what use are stars

if they lead us nowhere in the dark.

If ….

If all the knives in the house were bread knives

with what would we butter our toast.

If all the knives in the house were matches

with what would we cut out vegetables.

If all the knives were the same

what a grace-less act it would be enjoy a simple meal

and a horrendous ordeal to chop the wood with a table knife.

If you and I were the same,

of what use is the day and night?

All for nought would be the

strings of silence played by the mid-night breeze.

All for nought the

chorus of birds at the command of a rising sun.


A hearty welcome to all new followers, viewers and faithful virtual friends, you gladden my heart. On this quest were many cry ‘abandon this infatuation’ I sincerely appreciate all those who haven’t dissented.

Happy Easter.

When stupid starts to define you

Definition of stupid: 

  • lacking intelligence or common sense.
  • slow of mind.
  • given to unintelligent decisions or acts.
  • acting in an unintelligent or careless manner.
  •  lacking intelligence or reason.

We make certain risky choices because we don’t know better, sometimes we pick the easier choice because we lack patient or  the will power to forge ahead. On rare occasions we make a choice simply because we are overwhelmed  or confused by the wealth of information available to us. like a soiled nappy trails a baby, our choices shadow our steps into the future.

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There are other times when our life choices seem stupid to others, it just doesn’t make sense to them. Labels are quickly brandished without caution, overtime this idea of who you’re presumed to be is affirmed in their minds by the fact that one never departs from one’s ideology.

In an age were rapid answers, rapid friendships, rapid gratification, rapid growth, rapid, rapid, rapid anything is considered the norm; an age were aggression or garrulousness are synonyms for assertive, and gossip is considered keeping abreast of things; one must not be afraid to be stupid. 

We frown at Trumps ideas but in the same vein we pull down another to achieve our aims, after all we want it now don’t we? We vent our frustration for not getting things exactly the way we want it on another by boxing others off and labelling them, perhaps a reflection of the same labels firmly sewn unto the hems of our heart, brains and minds in extra large sizes. Life on the fast lane is bound to have casualties and it might as well be them. It has absolutely nothing to do with your speeding gauge and ignorance of the other road users.

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In an age where everyone wants to belong, same huge eyebrows (waxed, trimmed and pencilled in within an inch of it’s original life), same shoes, same clothes, same pout, same laughter and even lashes. It’s okay to be stupid if stupid means you stay true to you. It doesn’t mean blind loyalty to your flaws, No. In the same way one doesn’t wash out a stain with the hope of bleaching the entire fabric or wash a dirty dish with the hope of rinsing the decoration/design off, we must treat our flaws.

It’s okay to be stupid, in a world where up is down and fair is subject to who wins the stakes. It’s okay to be stupid in a world where everyone stands for everything like footballers defending the goalpost against a penalty except when the ball comes everyone finds a good corner to hide.

It’s okay to be stupid, I suspect it’s the new synonym for individuality.

Nature’s frame.

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Shards of frozen crystals settle on a rock

Beauty lends itself a home on a bedrock of strength.

Exquisitely adorned by nature.

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I feel your strength engulfing me

bidding me live, bidding me stand

in-spite of your cold and aloof nature.

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Set this frame right next to me

and when cold hands come beckoning

The ambience of happy days spent with you shall comfort me.


Written for the daily post and photo challenge.

A prayer at christmas

Lord we say a prayer today for:

Mary: for mothers  with no one to rely on, left to raise your little one all by yourselves we ask the father to strengthen you. May you find little pockets of joys to tidy you over through the day and memories that wrap your heart with warmth through the night.

Joseph: for fathers who daily try to live an honourable life we ask that you give them grace and keep their hope alive. We pray that they do not die in shame, fear or regret. We pray that they like Joseph will always listen to your voice every step of the way.

Angels: for men, women and children who smile and lift the spirits of everyone around them. We ask dear father that they never grow bitter or weary. That with every day they see the dreams of their minds become a reality. 

Herod: for individuals who lead us, but suffer from crippling insecurities and selfish desires. We ask that the sure mercies of David guide and keep our hearts in perfect peace as the years role by. We pray for them that you deliver them from the trenches of greed and power intoxication.

Shepherds: we pray for every labourer in the field working hard to keep it all together, working hard to keep the future alive. We ask for strength, for grace and joy untold.

Wise men: for individuals searching for the answers, looking for solutions. We ask that they may see the light of your word and embrace it with absolute surrender.

We pray that the light of your love will brighten our weary hearts as the year comes to an end. We pray this Christmas to serve as angels and inn keepers for the lost and down trodden. 

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Identify yourself

A weed: a plant that is not valued where it is growing and is usually of vigorous growth; especially : one that tends to overgrow or choke out more desirable plants. 2.) an obnoxious growth, thing, or person.

A parasite: An organism which lives in or on another organism (its host) and benefits by deriving nutrients at the other’s expense. 2.) A person who habitually relies on or exploits others and gives nothing in return.

A crop/plant: a plant or animal or plant or animal product that can be grown and harvested extensively for profit or subsistence <an apple crop> <a crop of wool> (2) :  the total yearly production from a specified area b :  the product or yield of something formed together.

At every point as individuals we behave or are viewed as weeds, parasites or crops by the world around us. Any crop can become a weed simply by overgrowing it’s desired limit. A parasitic plant is by nature a parasite, crops rarely morph into parasites, they can harbour parasites but by nature they are not intrinsically parasitic.

It’s important to note that a weed and a crop are both classified based on the intent or expectations of another. A parasite is often less frowned upon than a weed, because the mind believes it can contain/control the parasite but not a weed. A weed looks too much like what we planted, what we desire; it blends into what we are expecting thus the fear that it might replace the actual crop.

Who’s the crop, weed and parasite in your life? 

What’s your role in the life’s of those around your?

A plant takes but it also gives back what it’s designed to give.

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Profile me iced

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A white veil covers me, I fight to stay green.

How long before the cold takes over?

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Frozen over, doesn’t matter much

Rigid was my nature before the ice.

Now I am beautifully rigid, an enigma.

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Held up by that which should cover me

Standing but frozen in place.

Should I be hopeful?

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Cold feet. 

Often means dashed hopes

but only for a season ….

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Half frozen or half melted?

Depends on who you ask,

The sun or the clouds.

Depends on who’s time it is.

Depends on what direction you face.

Profile me iced.

Right partner … right me.

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“Is she currently employed?”

“How long has she been working?”

The above questions have been paraphrased, nonetheless those questions were posed at my husband before we got married. Safe to say that at the time I could not imagine what link there could be between my work experience and the sustenance of a happy marriage.

Present society is froth with several dating websites, apps, meeting venues, matchmakers ranging from human to cyber promising to match your basic and eccentric needs with that of the right partner. Everyone in society including the man at the market stall has some sage advice on not only how to snag but also how to keep the right partner happy. 

If you’re single people think there’s something wrong either

a.)  with your mentality (you don’t think like a woman should)

b.) with your expectations (you live in fairytale land or in an ultra unrealistic cookoo land)

c.) with you physically (not pretty enough, not slim enough, not well spoken enough etc)

And if you’re married there is an unspoken level of sedation one is expected to operate in, a state between tired (but not weary) and content (but not excited). To exist on either extremes of this scale makes you come across as either cheesy or trapped in unpleasant matrimony.  Offering advice puts you in the later category, wishing others get married soon puts you in the former, thus my suggestion that one looms in the sedate region.

It is perhaps not surprising to note that the above opinions are all subjective interpretations of another’s personal circumstances. They are semi-permanent ideologies of another’s life based on time-bound circumstances. Going back to questions in the first paragraph, I can’t help wonder if, perhaps having some work experience helps one

a.) Have more realistic expectations from marriage: much like a job CV, our personalities are a mobile working CV. Dates can be considered a series of interviews and when they’ve lasted for years they become a form of apprenticeship or trial period. However the wedding is the final contract which states clearing the working terms and conditions between partners. Much like a job, we go into it excited, with a sense of euphoria which gradually plateaus into normalcy. Slowly things get added to the relationship, some unsaid, some unexpected. This makes me assume that perhaps the enquirer wanted to ascertain my level of commitment to a cause regardless of it’s mundaneness, regardless of my doubts about my colleagues abilities. Regardless of varying opinions.

b.) Have a deeper appreciation for a partner who shares or pays the bill: it is assumed that one never knows how much something cost or how to value said item unless one knows how to get it. Sometimes I wonder if this isn’t skewed by the givers idea of what appropriate appreciation amounts to. Having said that there is indeed a greater appreciation that comes with an understanding of personal cost not just monetary value.

c.) Have a better estimation of one’s ambitions and personal value: this is very important as your ability to hold down a career is a tribute to one’s mental and emotional strength. Holding down a job inadvertently shapes our moral compass, setting the target for our ambitions in life. It gives us a clearer picture of our personal worth, highlighting what we’re willingly to compromise on or settle for.

In simple terms one could say those questions were aimed to discover if I was the right partner for my spouse. This makes me ponder on what makes the right partner right; is it their ability to complement our likes and dislikes or the sharing of similar religious views and principles? These are essential qualities, one’s not to be tossed about or trivialized, however I can’t help wondering what sustains couples with mirrored personalities or very different religious backgrounds. Is there probably something to be said about sharing and valuing each others ambition? Having realistic expectations of each other and the adaptation to being in each others personal space? Ensuring to discover the right you (your career, your ambition, your plans for the future etc). I find that probably an understanding and not-so-critical spirit is of great importance, life throws very interesting things at us as individuals, as a family the storms only gets bigger. An understanding and not so critical spirit takes the edge off life’s incisor bites. 

The right partner today can morph into a hitch-hiker in that horror movie who takes you hostage in your own car. It’s a gamble, life as a whole is a gamble,  the only person who can guarantee a good end is God and your choices. After it’s all been said and done, ensure that you’re in the right place emotionally, physically, career and ambition wise to make a choice based on the soothing calm within and not the fretful sound caused by undefined expectations. This is important as going into marriage without it is to place a tall order on your partner who many crumble hopelessly under this weight thus compounding simple issues further.


This post was inspired by a friends post on facebook.

I do not write because I know, I write to distil the noisy thoughts within.

Slain

On the altar of hope lies a crimson heart

char my doubts,

pray the wind at dawn scatter my ashes 

unto distant shores of pleasant pastures.

it wails.

∗∗∗

On the shores of an abyss lies a patched mind

swallow my pain,

pray  the waves at dusk snatch my memory

into depths unknown from which none shall return

it wails.

∗∗∗

On the cross of forgiveness lies a broken body

salvage my wounds

pray the dew of heaven nourish my flesh

healing every crevice blotting out every scar

it cries.

∗∗∗

On the altar of love, a voice beckons … 

’tis but for a season’ this too …

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