Welcome to my blog, Its lovely to have you here! I am Chioma and I like to think of myself as an avid reader and a non biased writer.I got married and joined my partner to start our own little new home miles away from family (*tears*). what are my ideologies:
I am a strong advocate for maintaining balance and modesty in every area of life.
I believe everyone is entitled to their opinions but they should never be forced on another.
I strongly agree that you are allowed to shout your views at the top of your lungs, just as I am allowed to totally ignore them.
However it is my belief that in order to create a home far from the familiar environment one must make certain compromises. Not compromises that change who you are or your principles but those that allow you live at peace with the neighbours.
That said, I hope my page brings a whole new perspective to living under a whole new climate.
“Stop joor. I can hear you and I wasn’t sleeping.”
Chuckling “You were not sleeping, just shielding your eyes from the piercing darkness abi?”
“I have had a hectic night shift, I don’t think my brain has the capacity for these your riddles yet.”
“You’re the one with all the riddles oh, lying there screaming at grandma in your sleep. It was really creep.”
“I wasn’t dreaming, just admit you woke me up for a cuddle.” with a grin he stretched to make room on the couch.
With the flick of a switch, she retreated to his heart.
Written for Friday fictioneers are writing group/challenge hosted by the lovely Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. It has been a while I have written a story and I loved writing this one hope you love it too. Please click on this link to read other stories and on this one to join the fun. (Have a go!)
I remember reading an article on teaching children how to share and play nicely with each other. The writer made an important observation, as adults we rarely feel enthused to share our partners, our cars, our homes, our time. Why do we feel the immense need to teach children to share everything they have? Are we indirectly teaching them to always give in to people because they asked nicely? Because they have held the item way too long? Are indirectly teaching them to say yes to every request, feeling the need to only say No when supported by someone or justified by external factors?
The above line of thought perhaps sounds selfish, however, if you think in terms of long- term, it perhaps might help curb the sense of entitlement growing with every generation.
I want it simply because they have it. If they have, I should also have it.
I need it because it seems to make everyone who has it cool or happy.
Take from the rich and give the poor. etc.
Dignity in labour dwindles, jobs disappear, as popularity contests and get rich schemes flood the world like a tornado. Delayed gratification is now the ghost of eras sailed by and contentment is a rainbow that appears where death almost over-powers life. With every individual fighting to do life their way, it is not uncommon to find someone feeling disenfranchised at each turn.
Today, Idris Alba put up a tweet that has everyone speculating on the possibility of a black James Bond showing up on our screens. For some this is a good reason to celebrate, to do cartwheels, while popping champagne. It would be considered a rectifying of the odds, a balancing of the scales, considered a victory in the same vein as the appearance of a female Dr Who. However, I can’t help feeling sad for the child (a)who has to share every toy to keep the other child(b) happy. I can’t help wondering if child (b) hasn’t short-changed themselves by believing that happiness or fulfilment could only be found in having the exact toy child (a) has.
While I acknowledge and totally commend the strides taken to include a black bond, a female Dr who and a bat-woman, I can’t help wondering if we are winning the battle but losing the war. For the migrant on the street the war is far from over. For the jobseeker at the interview, for whom the scales tip once a minority trait is discovered, these victories matter not. We scream inclusion, but what we really have are ropes tying us up, with our bias and fears at the brink of explosion. We are all coloured, by our preferences, our thoughts, and cultures. Until we accept it and find self-acceptance we will continuously rub each other wrong.
We all need to accept that being human is all (those that look like us and those who don’t) we really have in common. We need to embrace what we have and hold it up proudly without oppressing another. Child (a) needs to learn that sharing isn’t always about handing the toy over to the other child, it might mean going home with child (b) to explore and improve their own toys without self-serving interests. Child (b) must learn to find contentment in themselves, to walk their path boldly with dignity and respect.
We need to co-exist,not clone-exist.
Our eyes tell a different story, so dothe pages of our life,
Of what relevance is history,if today is a retelling of yesterday,
So I was going to do a week by week update, however, I find that some of these lessons rolled along into other weeks. Hence, I will give a summary of all the lessons learned from week 2 – 7,
a. Your principles can be an affront to many: there is a saying back home in Nigeria, “You’re not jollof rice, so stop trying to please everyone“, Jolof rice is a tasty rice meal that serves as a staple meal for all occasions. Adults and children alike love jollof rice, people have been known to take bowls to parties just to steal large servings of the meal away. However as pleasant as the meal is there are still people who do not like it or there are times when it doesn’t appeal to our taste buds. In like manner, we must accept that our lifestyle choices will always confront or challenge others, sometimes without us saying a word.
b. Do not give people the weapon they need to harm you: I often talk to myself when I am stressed or trying to think things through. Somewhere within this seven-week period, I think my mumbling offended an ‘unintended’ eavesdropper. Rather than talk to me about it, the Chinese whispers chain was set up and a wall was laid. Seeing as people pleasing isn’t a skill I aspire to, (I believe it only equips bullies and manipulators with the license to rob you blind) I found myself in the difficult position of trying my best, but still being ridiculed in a very unkind manner. Thus, note to self always ensure you are alone when consulting with yourself.
c. Avoid the need to tell tales: this ranges from sharing your problems with people to divulging seemingly irrelevant details of another person’s life to a third party. They say a problem shared is a problem half solved; I say a problem shared with the wrong person is a problem at the very least half-doubled. For example, I said to someone that I still breastfed my eight-month-old and the advise given was to stop breastfeeding as it might stress my work life.
On the surface, this is a fair and seemingly honest/harmless comment, however, legally I am entitled to certain rights in the workplace as a breastfeeding mother and no provision was made for this. I do not hold this against anyone as I never asked for those changes to be made. And I did not do so as I assumed that a.) I would be able to express enough and the baby would be fine. b.) that seven weeks would fly by quickly. Taking that advice would have meant my lactose intolerant baby would not only be deprived of his mum but would have to go through the stress of adapting to meals and changes before he was ready to.
People will advise you from their own experience. Their fears, triumphs, and disappointment. Be careful not to rewrite your story based on their manuscript, sift the principle and move on.
d.) If you don’t drop the crumbs the birds won’t come: leading on from point C if you don’t divulge anything over time people will get bored and move on with their own lives. If you don’t want their input simply don’t tell them stuff. I find it interesting when people ask for an opinion and then get angry at what’s offered. However, to the individual being asked, try to give advice based on principles not based on what you would do or how you would like it. It might be a lonely and somewhat hectic place to be, but at least you can control what circles your life moves in and the words you speak.
e.) Finally, keep your eyes on the prize at all times: do your best to eliminate every distraction, chose your battles wisely, chose your weapons even more carefully. Above everything else identify your weaknesses and try to get over them. Deal with your personal bias as it helps you forgive others their own.
My little man turned seven months in June, four days before my return to school day. I had hoped to wean him unto solid meals by this time. I wasn’t expecting him to be able to eat three whole meals, but I had hoped for some sort of day time meal routine at the very least. I had high expectations of my breastmilk expression skills reality, however begged to differ. This leads me to my lessons from week one:
Go into every endeavour with positive energy.Contrary to my usual disposition when faced with a new challenge (which is often apprehension masked in negativity), I returned to school filled with positive energy. I presume this positivity was a result of my past accomplishments in school prior to going on maternity leave.
Be positive but have a contingency plan. Being able to get back into study as planned increased myself confidence. It felt like I had a firmer grip on my life and the plans ahead. However, I had no contingency plan with respect to how baby would be fed if the milk I expressed wasn’t enough. At first I had a milk stash in the freezer but it was quickly depleted by the end of week one. Though baby was having pureed fruit, as well, I was still worried.
Being relaxed and having breakfast helps with milk production. I have not made the previous statement based on any scientific authority. However, drawing from my personal experience, I found having a good breakfast anytime before 11am not only helped increase my milk production but also the thickness of the expressed milk. I also found having a nap or just some rest or warm bath helped increase milk production.
Be positive, but be observant; watch your words. It often very tempting to ‘over share’ or to stretch ourselves beyond limit, or to overtly identify with everyone when we come into a new environment. While in certain cases nothing negative comes of this experience, under different circumstances an unhealthy working trend might be established. Often times it comes back to bite us in the butt. Be on your best behaviour, but ensure to be you. (will throw more light on this in week four)
The MacGregor brides, Sophie’s heart The Hawk and the jewel. As sure as the dawn.
I spent most of my teenage years reading books like those listed above. Pages filled with vibrant descriptions of tall, dark and handsome men causing red hues to rise in the hearts and faces of maidens, mine included. Scenes of majestic horses galloping through bloody fields, guided by strong muscle ribbing arms, arms that will through the pages learn to cradle and caress another tenderly. I also watched a lot of movies, My fair lady, Odyssey, Gone with the wind, North and South, Oscar, Sinbad, and the seven seas, Gladiator, etc. Movies with similar themes to the above novels. Together (the books and the movies) would transport me to eras gone by, to a time when life wasn’t so complicated and courtesy/manners were things to aspire to, not weaknesses. However, they would also carry out a more sublime form of social conditioning.
Good/real men became symbols of salvation (people who put others first), confidence and a certain allure of mystique which enabled them to make sound decisions. Good/strong women, on the other hand, were considered as calm, demure, wily (for positive outcomes), emotionally attuned, strength wasn’t necessarily good or bad. Then we had the atypical individuals who due to nature or nurture did not fit these profiles, but would through the course of the movie/book find themselves and would ultimately align in some way with the above.
Chivalry was a major theme of such stories. I found it endearing, as I believe it showed how humans regardless of era, societal norms and culture, acknowledged the innate human need to be heard by another.
Chivalry (noun): a. Very polite, honest, and kind behavior, especially by men towards women b. The system of behavior followed by knights in the medieval period of history, that put a high value on honor, kindness, and courage. (Cambridge dictionary).
Should we get rid of chivalry? Is the act something to be frowned up? Is chivalry anti-feminism? Is saving women and children first, anti-feminism? Is chivalry against gender equality? I do not know if there is a straightforward answer to these questions. However, I do think the following:
1.Feminism isn’t about the oppressed subduing the oppressor. 2.Feminism is about giving everyone male or female (who wants it) a sit, a corner, an angle on issues that interests and affects them. 3.Feminism is about treating everyone with dignity, kindness and having the courage to stand for what is true, what is right and what is just. 4.Feminism is ensuring that you can be you and I can be me within confines that harm no one, including the individual in question. 5.Feminism isn’t about erasing our differences, creating a unisex environment and blurring every line of divide. 6.Feminism is allowing a man to be as masculine as he desires provided it does not harm another or break the law. It’s allowing a woman to be as feminine as she desires, provided it harms no one or breaks the law.
Eliminating the use of pink or blue for girls and boys respectively, or shop aisles designated for different gender or buying only unisex toys or clothes are in my opinion distractions from the wider debate. Bringing up your children to view human life from conception to old age as sacred, teaching them life skills irrespective of gender, effective communication skills and equipping them with the tools to be resilient and attuned to their emotion is far more valuable.
The following quote is often used to discuss the value of education across the world especially in third world countries: “If you educate a woman, you educate a family, if you educate a girl, you educate the future.” Queen Rania of Jordan. Is the quote true or reflective of reality? Should we discard of this quote? If you answered yes and no respectively to the afore questions, then it is safe to say that women and children should still be saved first in the face of crisis. It is important to remember that those who are physically vulnerable are often prioritized before other groups such as children and women. Equally important is the ability and right of a woman to say, ‘don’t worry about me, let me help out first’. This has been known to happen and until you are in those conditions please do not make statements that can have damaging consequences. Perhaps we could say children and their caregivers first.
The new school of thought that propagates the destruction of all traditional guidelines or beliefs is worrisome. ‘Out with the old and in with the new’, sadly I find the new to often be half-thought arguments, centred on indulgent premises, rather than a holistic approach. (Take a look at Brexit, at Trump and climate change or gun law) I stand to be corrected if my thoughts are ill-founded.
Having said the above, I must admit that there are things which still need to be re-evaluated; including the view of marriage in different gender circles. Women are taught to view it as an achievement, while men view it as an entrapment. Women approach it as a child would a kinder egg surprise, men approach it as a child would a fist pointed in their face from a dark shadow. It is no surprise that both end up having a tumultuous time in the first few years. Marriage is only an achievement if you both acknowledge and respect the time, energy and resources the other has pledged to you. I don’t think we ever deserve people, we earn people. We earn their affections, their respect, their allegiance. Our prices/ values both emotional and economic change as we grow older, for some, it becomes cheaper and for others, it becomes more expensive.
There will always be issues for every human era to tackle. In a bid to effect change we must not turn situational solutions into lifelong rules. In the same manner, we must not be afraid to tackle the status quo. Through it all we shouldn’t be hasty to pledge allegiance, loyalty is still an admirable and faith building trait.