Right partner … right me.

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“Is she currently employed?”

“How long has she been working?”

The above questions have been paraphrased, nonetheless those questions were posed at my husband before we got married. Safe to say that at the time I could not imagine what link there could be between my work experience and the sustenance of a happy marriage.

Present society is froth with several dating websites, apps, meeting venues, matchmakers ranging from human to cyber promising to match your basic and eccentric needs with that of the right partner. Everyone in society including the man at the market stall has some sage advice on not only how to snag but also how to keep the right partner happy. 

If you’re single people think there’s something wrong either

a.)  with your mentality (you don’t think like a woman should)

b.) with your expectations (you live in fairytale land or in an ultra unrealistic cookoo land)

c.) with you physically (not pretty enough, not slim enough, not well spoken enough etc)

And if you’re married there is an unspoken level of sedation one is expected to operate in, a state between tired (but not weary) and content (but not excited). To exist on either extremes of this scale makes you come across as either cheesy or trapped in unpleasant matrimony.  Offering advice puts you in the later category, wishing others get married soon puts you in the former, thus my suggestion that one looms in the sedate region.

It is perhaps not surprising to note that the above opinions are all subjective interpretations of another’s personal circumstances. They are semi-permanent ideologies of another’s life based on time-bound circumstances. Going back to questions in the first paragraph, I can’t help wonder if, perhaps having some work experience helps one

a.) Have more realistic expectations from marriage: much like a job CV, our personalities are a mobile working CV. Dates can be considered a series of interviews and when they’ve lasted for years they become a form of apprenticeship or trial period. However the wedding is the final contract which states clearing the working terms and conditions between partners. Much like a job, we go into it excited, with a sense of euphoria which gradually plateaus into normalcy. Slowly things get added to the relationship, some unsaid, some unexpected. This makes me assume that perhaps the enquirer wanted to ascertain my level of commitment to a cause regardless of it’s mundaneness, regardless of my doubts about my colleagues abilities. Regardless of varying opinions.

b.) Have a deeper appreciation for a partner who shares or pays the bill: it is assumed that one never knows how much something cost or how to value said item unless one knows how to get it. Sometimes I wonder if this isn’t skewed by the givers idea of what appropriate appreciation amounts to. Having said that there is indeed a greater appreciation that comes with an understanding of personal cost not just monetary value.

c.) Have a better estimation of one’s ambitions and personal value: this is very important as your ability to hold down a career is a tribute to one’s mental and emotional strength. Holding down a job inadvertently shapes our moral compass, setting the target for our ambitions in life. It gives us a clearer picture of our personal worth, highlighting what we’re willingly to compromise on or settle for.

In simple terms one could say those questions were aimed to discover if I was the right partner for my spouse. This makes me ponder on what makes the right partner right; is it their ability to complement our likes and dislikes or the sharing of similar religious views and principles? These are essential qualities, one’s not to be tossed about or trivialized, however I can’t help wondering what sustains couples with mirrored personalities or very different religious backgrounds. Is there probably something to be said about sharing and valuing each others ambition? Having realistic expectations of each other and the adaptation to being in each others personal space? Ensuring to discover the right you (your career, your ambition, your plans for the future etc). I find that probably an understanding and not-so-critical spirit is of great importance, life throws very interesting things at us as individuals, as a family the storms only gets bigger. An understanding and not so critical spirit takes the edge off life’s incisor bites. 

The right partner today can morph into a hitch-hiker in that horror movie who takes you hostage in your own car. It’s a gamble, life as a whole is a gamble,  the only person who can guarantee a good end is God and your choices. After it’s all been said and done, ensure that you’re in the right place emotionally, physically, career and ambition wise to make a choice based on the soothing calm within and not the fretful sound caused by undefined expectations. This is important as going into marriage without it is to place a tall order on your partner who many crumble hopelessly under this weight thus compounding simple issues further.


This post was inspired by a friends post on facebook.

I do not write because I know, I write to distil the noisy thoughts within.

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