You possess meagre coins by mere happen-stance; you are not our equal by any measure. The blood in our vein flows through the rock foundation of this land, yours drains through the sand. Our thoughts at dusk tint the swirling breeze of dawn. Heed these words, lest you rise to the fragrance of your ménage descending in flames, their blood hissing at the skies. Crawl back to your hovel, engrave these words on the walls of your nugatory sand castle for offsprings yet unborn. They too must not forget; the prey who mingles with wolves will not return to roost.
Hi people, I would love to have some constructive feedback on this story, thank you very much. I might not be able to return the favour now as I am only a tiny tot in the writing world.
In response to Friday fictioneers writing challenge hosted by Rochelle. The picture was provided by Ceayr and the task is to write a 100 words story inspired by it. Thanks Rochelle for hosting it, thank you for stopping by… do click on the link to read other stories.
lifehomeandaway 
Well done
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Thank you.
XD
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Oh how much we love the dividing walls.. to separate the in and out… gated communities… I think this is what we are good at as humans.
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Very true.
Each one guarding invisibly marked territories.
Thank you XD
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The rich and poor, and never the twain shall meet. Great story, very well described by the voice of the rich 🙂
For feedback, “offspring” is already the plural form so you don’t need the “s”.
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Thanks for the correction.
Read the other comment first.
Heihei.
Thanks again.XD
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Sorry – I just read “offspring’s” a different way and now think maybe you’re meaning “not yet born of the offspring”, ie the child’s as yet unborn child, in which case it’s fine 🙂
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Thanks Dr Ali.
I did mean offspring’s as kids unborn.
XD
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Very nicely and dramatically expressed, but though I’ve read it several times, I still don’t know what it means. Am I missing something?
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😊 Sorry for the confusion Sandra.
It’s a warning from one side of the social divide to a young upstart.
Hope that helps.
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Oh, wow! I love this ( though not the message)– it covers all the hatred of those who deem themselves better than others, whether by blood, race, wealth, or nationality. But you have a C there… I think the offspring’s should be ‘offspring’ or ‘your offspring’s’–I read the discussion with draliman and am not sure I understand.
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Glad you like the story.
Just checked and the word offsprings is correct. Would have to take out the apostrophe actually.
Thank you very much 😊
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This piece is poetic and mean (a compliment) and VERY well done. You’re doing well for “a tiny tot in the writing world.”
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XD
Aww thank you so much Alicia.
I really appreciate the compliment.
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I liked the tone of the narrator- it’s arrogant and erudite. If that’s what you were aiming for that it was flawlessly executed.
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I am glad you liked the voice and you’re right it is very arrogant and erudite.
Thank you so much for the lovely comment.:-)
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I did not understand who the people were and thought it could be wolves telling the people that the land was theirs. Whoever it is they are saying they are the ones who are deeply attached to the land and the people in the house are the unwelcome newcomers or usurpers.
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You caught the sentiment of the speakers, the highbrow self-appointed owners of the land. Definitely not the wolves.
XD
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At first I thought the story was about racial hatred or maybe slavery. But then, after reading through the comments and rereading the story again, I saw clues to its true meaning (I need to pay more attention next time). Very powerful piece of writing!
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Thank you very much Martin.
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This took a few read-throughs for me to fully understand what was being said – I love the tone: it’s menacing, arrogant and cold; very original!
C: I think there are a couple of errors: the way I read it (correct me if wrong!), “offspring’s” would be better as “offspring” and “least” should be “lest”. Those were just a couple of bits that I stumbled over – otherwise, the prose flowed really nicely, and I could imagine this being a much longer piece.
I look forward to reading more from you 🙂
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Thank you very much for the lovely comments and corrections.
Will get to it. The offspring one also leaves me slightly undecided, from what I have read it seems fine but I can’t say it on firm authority.
Thank you so much for the following, followed you right back.
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My pleasure! I read most of the pieces if I get time each week, but I only get a chance to comment on a few, so I always choose the ones that really catch my imagination 🙂 x
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Aww, thank you that’s a huge compliment.
XD
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