Where we got it wrong … African mothers and daughters.

At first I thought I should explain why I have chosen to write this, but then I decided against it and thus edited the earlier version. I am by no means an expert, but I like to share my thoughts on issues and experiences that have one way or another impacted my life. Today we will look at certain myths that have circulated around African women.

Myth one:

Hurry up and get married, time is not on your side: What?! When any mother especially a Christian mother says this, she totally ignores the scripture that says ‘he who finds a wife finds a good thing‘. The man does the finding not the woman, so rather than invest so much energy into counting down your daughter’s age and opportunities like a time bomb waiting to explode I would suggest we teach our sons to realise there is something out there worth finding. I suggest we teach them how to become better researchers and custodians of what they find.

She (the mother) also ignores the message ‘for this reason a man shall leave his mother and father … to cleave’ the man does the leaving and the cleaving so where exactly are you encouraging her to run to. Are you encouraging her to run into the street (leave home), bump into some random guy and cleave to him? Are you desperate to have her conform that you don’t mind having a guy who doesn’t fit into her life or your family as a son-in-law.

When we teach our son’s right and educate them on what conducts constitutes ethical and godly ‘searching’ then perhaps we won’t have to focus so hard on chasing our daughters out there to be found. The last time I checked treasure never left where it was buried to attract a finder it stayed put. When people find treasure they don’t treat it recklessly and whilst the treasures value never diminishes it takes a knowledgeable finder to truly appreciate its  worth.

At what point does time become our enemy? Work with your own time and try not to get confused or distressed. Source: Webweaver.


Now before you attack me, I agree that a woman unlike inanimate treasure has the right and choice to put herself out there, i.e. make herself more visible. I agree she has a right to question the relationship status at any point, to assert her place in her partner’s life and to detect the pace of the relationship. Basically I believe she’s an equal partner in her relationship, to this extent I agree.

Finally to mothers everywhere rather than spend your time fretting and worrying about your daughters marital status why not invest that energy into encouraging her to find herself, to build her career, to learn to adapt to change, to embrace herself and be confident. These things never run out of relevance if anything their relevance intensifies with the added responsibility of marriage and motherhood.

Myth two:

It is your duty to pray (hol’ up, our duty sorry): really? Every time something goes wrong in a relationship or marriage mothers encourage the woman to pray, to go to church more often. To seek out God’s face more often and what is Oga supposed to be doing while the woman buries her head in prayer? There are so many reasons why this is wrong:

One, the place of prayer in our life is really individualised. I can’t chase demons for you that you failed to chase as an individual, but I can help you chase them. Using a mathematical analogy let me explain how I see prayer in marriage; your prayer prior to marriage was a simple interest account, after marriage it becomes a compound interest account (it has multiple streams of issues facing it) and leaving only your wife to shoulder it or to bear the bulk of it is huge design flaw.

Source: Cliparthut; Zacchaeus clipart.

Two, scripture says ‘one shall chase a thousand and two ten thousand’, but the two must walk together both in words and in action. It is also important to note that unity is very important; united in purpose, united in your hearts, no anger, no un-forgiveness. Before anyone quotes the scripture a wise woman builds her house let me stop you there; houses are not built solely on prayer. A good house depends on the firm foundation. A shaky, unstable, irritable foundation leads to a faulty house; the man and woman form the foundation together. Sky scrapers can’t be built on the foundations of a cottage, it won’t stand the test of time. A dream home/house requires team effort especially in prayer.

To be continued from here on prayer ….

My husband and I are slowly navigating the deep seas and currents of married life; learning from our mistakes and making notes on how we would love to guide our daughter right.

Don’t keep your thoughts in share them.


14 thoughts on “Where we got it wrong … African mothers and daughters.

  1. Hmmmm… I don’t think mothers(and I mean our mothers not the 21st century ones like you😉) actually do that on purpose, it has more to do with how they were brought up and their own ways of expressing concern. It is left to us to break that vicious cycle and do much better in bringing up our daughters and sons by identifying faulty ideologies like these and working on them😁😀😁

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess most of them don’t do it intentionally, but like you said we need to openly address them in order to rectify the situation. Hopefully with time it will change.
      Thank you for reading and commenting.


      1. Number two. Hmmm. Your are 100% right about all relationships needing to be built on a good foundation. Regarding the prayer, Latinos also tend to preach prayer as the cure to many ills. Five years ago, I would have said that was wrong. Things have happened in my life that has swayed my opinion. There were little miracles in my life that taught me the power of prayer. But prayer being the cure to marital woes, trust, understanding, communication all make for better tools to keep a marriage strong. How is that answer?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Indeed I agree with you, prayer is very important. And as you said prayer along with trust, understanding and communication make for a stronger marriage. But prayer without the rest well… and I think as with all things in marriage it becomes richer/ better when it’s done together.

        Thank you so much for taking time to share your thoughts. I appreciate it.


        Liked by 1 person

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