At first I thought I should explain why I have chosen to write this, but then I decided against it and thus edited the earlier version. I am by no means an expert, but I like to share my thoughts on issues and experiences that have one way or another impacted my life. Today we will look at certain myths that have circulated around African women.
Hurry up and get married, time is not on your side: What?! When any mother especially a Christian mother says this, she totally ignores the scripture that says ‘he who finds a wife finds a good thing‘. The man does the finding not the woman, so rather than invest so much energy into counting down your daughter’s age and opportunities like a time bomb waiting to explode I would suggest we teach our sons to realise there is something out there worth finding. I suggest we teach them how to become better researchers and custodians of what they find.
She (the mother) also ignores the message ‘for this reason a man shall leave his mother and father … to cleave’ the man does the leaving and the cleaving so where exactly are you encouraging her to run to. Are you encouraging her to run into the street (leave home), bump into some random guy and cleave to him? Are you desperate to have her conform that you don’t mind having a guy who doesn’t fit into her life or your family as a son-in-law.
When we teach our son’s right and educate them on what conducts constitutes ethical and godly ‘searching’ then perhaps we won’t have to focus so hard on chasing our daughters out there to be found. The last time I checked treasure never left where it was buried to attract a finder it stayed put. When people find treasure they don’t treat it recklessly and whilst the treasures value never diminishes it takes a knowledgeable finder to truly appreciate its worth.
Now before you attack me, I agree that a woman unlike inanimate treasure has the right and choice to put herself out there, i.e. make herself more visible. I agree she has a right to question the relationship status at any point, to assert her place in her partner’s life and to detect the pace of the relationship. Basically I believe she’s an equal partner in her relationship, to this extent I agree.
Finally to mothers everywhere rather than spend your time fretting and worrying about your daughters marital status why not invest that energy into encouraging her to find herself, to build her career, to learn to adapt to change, to embrace herself and be confident. These things never run out of relevance if anything their relevance intensifies with the added responsibility of marriage and motherhood.
It is your duty to pray (hol’ up, our duty sorry): really? Every time something goes wrong in a relationship or marriage mothers encourage the woman to pray, to go to church more often. To seek out God’s face more often and what is Oga supposed to be doing while the woman buries her head in prayer? There are so many reasons why this is wrong:
One, the place of prayer in our life is really individualised. I can’t chase demons for you that you failed to chase as an individual, but I can help you chase them. Using a mathematical analogy let me explain how I see prayer in marriage; your prayer prior to marriage was a simple interest account, after marriage it becomes a compound interest account (it has multiple streams of issues facing it) and leaving only your wife to shoulder it or to bear the bulk of it is huge design flaw.
Two, scripture says ‘one shall chase a thousand and two ten thousand’, but the two must walk together both in words and in action. It is also important to note that unity is very important; united in purpose, united in your hearts, no anger, no un-forgiveness. Before anyone quotes the scripture a wise woman builds her house let me stop you there; houses are not built solely on prayer. A good house depends on the firm foundation. A shaky, unstable, irritable foundation leads to a faulty house; the man and woman form the foundation together. Sky scrapers can’t be built on the foundations of a cottage, it won’t stand the test of time. A dream home/house requires team effort especially in prayer.
To be continued from here on prayer ….
My husband and I are slowly navigating the deep seas and currents of married life; learning from our mistakes and making notes on how we would love to guide our daughter right.
Don’t keep your thoughts in share them.